Letting Go

After 13 years of having Sophie as our pet, we had the tough situation of having to let her go yesterday. She had been less and less active over the past year as would be expected of a dog her age. About a week ago she seemed to have had a stroke or something because she was dragging one of her back legs and not getting around very well. When I got up to go to the gym on Monday morning, I couldn't find her anywhere. I worried that maybe she had gone off somewhere in the yard and died. I told Clayne that he had to find her. We found her in the window well. She had fallen in there sometime in the night. After we got her out she was no longer able to walk. It was like she was paralyzed from her mid back down. It broke my heart to see her unable to move around and to be in pain. Clayne had to do all the arrangements with the vet and had to take her in and dispose of her belongings I just couldn't do it. In fact I couldn't even stand the thought of being here when he came to pick her up and take her to the vet.

I didn't think it would be so hard. Many of you know that I had spoke of the need to be done with the pet thing at our house for the past few years. Sometimes it just becomes hard to have a pet when the kids no longer take much interest in caring for them and when she would constantly get under my feet in the garage when I would have my arms full of groceries and she did trip me more than once. I would find myself thinking, "I'll be glad when she's gone." Now I feel so guilty for those thoughts. She was such a good little dog. She was always happy to see us and was a peaceful and quiet dog. Many people/neighbors commented at times that they didn't even know we had a dog. She just wasn't a barker. She kept quiet and didn't bother anyone.

I cried so much yesterday that I just couldn't blog about it. I thought I would be able to do this today without crying but I can barely see the screen as I am typing. I am sooo sad!! I can't believe the heartache this is. Over the past years I have thought that I had become less attached to her. I thought when the day came to say goodbye that I would be able to do it easily. I know that it was what we had to do but it didn't make it easy at all.

I found myself looking at her usual spot in the garage every time I went out there yesterday. I know that it will be several months before I get used to the fact that she won't be there.

We didn't tell the kids that we were putting her down before hand and I just hope that as time passes they won't regret the fact that we didn't let them say "goodbye." I just couldn't bear seeing them go through it. We waited until family prayer last night and told them so that we could get it out in just one time. Instead of having to tell them each individually. Clayne had to do all the talking as I just sat there and fell apart - again. The kids took it better than I expected, which I am so thankful for. I think that in the coming days as they have time to consider and ponder that she is gone there will be some sad times and questions but it will all be okay.

Sophie came into our lives at a time when we were experiencing infertility before we adopted Cheyenne. I had such a void in my life and wanted a baby so bad but no matter what I did, I could not change Heavenly Father's time table. No Sophie did not completely fill that void. That void was only completely filled when Cheyenne was placed in my arms. Having a pet to love however took the sting off the edges while I waited. I will always be grateful for the part she played in my life while I waited to become a mother and for the part of our lives she took in being a playmate for our children when she was younger and in her later years as she remained a cheerful companion. Now if you made it through this post, I want to say thanks for bearing with me. I had to write this more for myself than anything else.

Now I have to think of the good things. She is no longer in pain. We don't have to pay for those $40 groomings anymore. We don't have to find someone to look in on her when we are out of town and we don't have to scoop poop anymore. There that's looking on the bright side.

Goodbye my faithful friend. You will be missed.